Today I thought I would vary the menu a little. We are both getting tired of the same diet of sandwiches – although our guests who come on a Saturday (or any other day of the week for that matter) don’t know that I have a routine. Boredom was setting in. Corned beef, ham and tomato and egg mayonnaise. So today we are having salad with the ham – yummy. Grated cheddar delicately flavouring the egg. And, wow, this is exciting!!!, smoked salmon and cream cheese! The trouble is that I am so naturally boring that I have never even made a smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich before – never mind taste one! – so I really didn’t know how to do it. Fingers crossed that will be a success.
On Thursday I attended our local church worship group. We are preparing for the morning service which we will lead next Sunday and some joker suggested that we take JOY as our theme. I horrified myself by realising that I don’t ‘do’ joy! Serious, caring, concerned, these all come naturally to me. Worried, anxious, bad-tempered, sad sometimes, downright depressed occasionally, content on a rare day…………. But joy?
I spoke to my Spiritual Director about this a few weeks ago. I confessed that I don’t often get excited and I keep my life on an even keel as far as possible. She wondered if I was frightened of emotion.
So I have kept a mental note. Each night at bedtime I look back over the day and try to pinpoint the sparks of excitement or emotion of any positive kind that I can remember feeling. It has been rather sobering (certainly not a joy) to realise that I just doggedly get on with life, visiting neither the highs not the lows, keeping both sorrow and pleasure at arm’s length. I am thereby depriving myself of all the good things that God provides on a daily basis to sustain and encourage me.
This has to change!
So today, we are having smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwiches. How exciting is that!!! Well, maybe not VERY exciting – but it’s a start. Variety is the spice of life. And if I work on it maybe by the time we take the service next Sunday morning I will have some joy in my life! Hurrah and halleluiah!
It happened a wee whilie ago but it's only now that I have been given permission to tell the world! My daughter is pregnant!!! Ten years later than planned, my next two grandchildren are due to hit this world sometime in November. I was told the day before my 60th birthday that the pregnancy test was positive. But obviously it was very early days and I was told to hold the information to myself till the 12 week scan. The news both 'made' my birthday and 'ruined' it. (Well, let's face it, the thought of being 60 is enough to ruin any birthday!) Of course I was absolutely delighted (especially after the aforesaid ten years) but I might be described as a worrier by all who know me, and so I have done the said worrying ever since the announcement.
But you know what? I have decided to give up the worry. These babies are fine, looping the loop and looking very healthy and active. The doctor is pleased. Jane and Gareth are pleased (except when Jane is throwing up all over the place!) and so, just for a few weeks, I also am also going to be pleased. After that I might just allow myself to worry a very little!
Motherhood is hard. We long for our children to be happy and we think we know better than their Heavenly Father. After all, I am her mother. That must count for something. I would have had her pregnant years ago.
But the timing will be just right - whatever that might mean! Thank the Lord!
Now all I have to worry about is the babysitting!!! Any volunteers?
I feel really sad tonight! For years I have been really, really keen to link spirituality with the wisdom of the Enneagram and at last I had the courage to put a course in place. And it was happening this Saturday.
But only two people wanted to come!
So reluctantly I have had to cancel. Or rather, postpone. Because we have re-scheduled for August.
I remember when I went through the bad old depression years when nothing spiritual seemed to make any sense, I really wanted to understand why we all enjoyed different kinds of worship. And why I couldn't make sense of any of it!
The Enneagram helped me so much at that time and having pursued it as relentlessly as I have done, it has helped me to find answers. And the answer is that we are all so different that no one way of worship suits us all. Therefore, we can't all fit neatly into the presbyterian mode, nor do we all have Episcopalian hearts (boo hoo!), nor are we all at home with the happy-clappy Charismatics (why not??!!), nor even the wee frees or the brethern brothers.
But what a relief!
It would be great if we could all find what suits us best. And it would be equally great if we could all experience something right out of our comfort zone and find that even that just might be good too.
So I am sorry that the three of us won't be delving into the different ways we enjoy prayer. But the good news is that we WILL do it in August.
Want to join us then??????????
Saturday 23rd August: 10am - 4pm.
I was at the opening of the General Assembly. Not the place I am often seen, I admit, but what would I not do to support my friends, I ask you? And support them I did.
The truth is that the new Moderator of the General Assembly is none other than our very dear friend, Rev David Lunan. He also happens to be married to my very dear pal, Maggie, the equal of my good self in rebelliousness and non-conformity. So I just had to be there to see Maggie in her hat and support David in his hour of need!
David is one of the loveliest men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. It was typical of the man that his first speech which was addressed to the out-going moderator was to speak so compassionately of the death of her mother just last month.
He then went on to lead the business of the Assembly in such a quiet, competent and cheerful way, even consoling any unfortunate Rangers supporters, that we all felt that the Assembly was in good hands.
Those of you who know me will feel nothing but astonishment that I could actually enjoy spending time at anything so frustratingly dull and outmoded. And I agree with you. I also am astonished. But even rebels have to grow up some day and maybe I am 'coming of age'.
However, the best bit was the lunch in the Moderator's posh house with all Maggie's servants waiting upon us. And we got to have a nosy around in all the nooks and crannies and Maggie even had the Moderator's underwear out to dry in the bathroom. So that was a highlight!
But now we are back home, the more sombre reflections quite lost on me. Peter will return tomorrow - not because he is a commissioner. He's not. He's just mad! - coz he seems to like it. There's none sae queer as folk - ministerial folk at any rate!
’’In the 20th Century, we were defined by what we owned, in the 21st Century we will be defined by what share and give away.’ Charles Leadbeater, author of We Think
I think Charles Leadbeater is referring here to our ‘blogging ways’ in the 21st century. Why do we blog, I wonder? Why do we give away all our secrets to an invisible, perhaps non-existant, audience in the ether? That comment has made me wonder.
For me, it’s easy. If I am lonely of an evening, I love to read other peoples’ blogs as a way of making contact or being in union with another living being. It is an eye-opener to hear others’ views of their daily lives or hear them respond to the views of others.
I also confess to frequent disappointments that so many bloggers use so many words to say so little! The discipline of writing, in order to be in the same cyber space as other bloggers, would (I think!!!) be an invitation to closeness with others but - and this is my complaint - we seem to be saying nothing most of the same! And so Bill Gates’ wonderful 21st century medium is wasted with rubbish and nonsense which usually adds nothing to anyone’s life! Am I just a grumpy old woman?
So what can I share with you this evening that will be interesting, erudite and add a certain je ne sais quoi to the lives of all my million readers?
I could share that I ran out of washing powder today. Or that both my mother and one of my lovely sons-in-law celebrate a birthday tomorrow. Or that the temperature in sunny Anstruther was 20 today and yet only 13 in St Andrews, just over the hill. Or that my husband is spending yet another night away from home (this time at our daughter’s – or so he tells me!!!???!!!)
But instead, I think I will share with you a nice little piece of information. I need a haircut. I really, really do. Somehow since moving here in November I have had other priorities in my life and now my husband is complaining that there is too much going on in my head. No, that’s not possible. He surely must mean that there is too much growing ON my head! And I think he is right.
Now what is the origin of that expression. ‘More hair than wit’?
Was this a waste of good blogging space? Surely not!
Today I feel weary! There is a heavy weight balancing itself on my chest, what feels like a bag of coal or rocks pressing down on my forehead and my bones feel bendy and spongy. You don’t want to be me today.
So I am asking myself why I feel like this. It happens sometimes. It’s no big deal. But it always takes me by surprise and I wonder why I am such a wimp.
Then, reading my journal I came across the following quotation.
“Suffering in the desert of life can only be borne and survived by entering into the oasis of memories within; by waiting patiently in meditation and hope; gathering strength to go on; by living from that place of power.” (Sacred way of the desert by Marylyn Brown)
In reading my journal, I realised that I was entering into the ‘oasis of memories’. I was reading what I had written last month, last week, the day before yesterday, when the energy was up and the spirit was flowing! I can only dream of that happening today! But it was good to read from the oasis of memories.
Remember when you held a precious word or phrase from God and it brought a lightness to your spirit? Or the day you saw a flower, or a sunset and felt the touch of the Creator embracing you? Or maybe it was just a bubbling up of the spirit of God in your heart and you felt His limitless love drawing you to the horzons.
We all have this oasis of memories. Find one. Right now. And treasure it, relive it, hold it and bask in it. That memory is God’s gift to you now.
I remember the thrill of the prayers at the Church Without Walls event at Ingliston on Saturday. The tenderness of a Christening I attended on Sunday. A moment of stillness sitting in the garden yesterday while waiting for the family to arrive with all their noise and laughter. So much. Love. Contentment. Awakening. Rest.
Remembering all that, now I realise why I have no energy today. It has been a busy few days. And so I will follow the next part of the quotation. I will wait patiently, gather strength and go on living from the place of power.
Such a lot has happened since my last post. We have had a wee holiday, run another Linne Bheag Saturday, and run around the country spending time with people. Sometimes it was work and sometimes relaxation. But since we both seem to work with such nice people it is always – well, almost always! – a real pleasure.
We had a great day last Saturday leading a day on “The Changing Seasons of Life”. We were to have had a ‘full house’ but unfortunately a few people had to cancel at the last minute so there were only nine of us in all.
Although almost none of us knew each other beforehand, we found kindred spirits and realised we were all facing or had faced quite disruptive transitions in our lives. I loved preparing for that day. I knew a lot about transition and change. Don’t we all?! But the discipline of getting it down on paper ready to share it with others was energising as I began to piece together certain transitions of my own and see them in a wider context.
The big lesson for us all on that day was that,
Through loyalty to the past, our mind refuses to realise that tomorrow’s joy is possible only if today’s makes way for it; that each wave owes the beauty of its line only to the withdrawal of the receding one. (Andre Gide)
And, let’s face it, we would never willingly allow today’s joys to pass if we weren’t forced into it. Change forces us into transition and transition leads us into some kind of transformation. We grow up. We grow strong. We grow into ourselves. We grow into completeness in God. We become happy. But we can’t become happy (or any of these other things) without letting go of part of today and yesterday. We grow into tomorrow.
Walking around the harbour at lunchtime helped. I just love living here. Five minutes watching the waves pounding on to the shore is worth more than five hefty tombs of the best literature you can find. (Unless you are a FIVE on the Enneagram, of course!)
I leave you with another quote. This time from Carl Jung of whom I am a devotee.
He believed that some people didn’t allow the changes of life to lead them into transition and therefore never actually progressed much on their life journey. If this happened, he says, they become,
“…….hypochondriacs, niggards, doctrinaires, applauders of the past or eternal adolescents – all lamentable substitutes for the illumination of self.”
So beware, all those who cling on to the sinking ship in the hope that they can return to yesterday! The only way is forward >>>>>>>>>>>>> !
Understanding the depths of our own complicated behaviour is one of the hardest things to master.
It was fourteen years ago that I first made the attempt. I had ignored my inner depths all my life and had been quite content to hide behind a series of elaborate masks, hiding the real me (whatever that was) and operating at a very surface level. I suppose it was all I could handle at that time and it seemed to serve the purpose.
Then life changed. We moved house, changed jobs, lived in the country, had teenagers go off to Uni........ a series of losses that left me shaky and insecure, no longer able to understand what life was all about. All the certainties had gone. The ground had slid from under my feet. I was lost.
Five years later I also had to accept that I was depressed, a fact that my doctor had been trying to convince me of for a long time.
It was during that time that I discovered the Enneagram. I didn't like it because it was forcing me to look right into my soul and I was scared. But within a few days of taking its wisdom on board, I began to notice a difference in my attitude to myself. The biggest thing was the discovery that if God had specially created each of his people, then I must be a real person, not the fake or the non-person that I felt myself to be. He doesn't make mistakes and he doesn't waste his time creating rubbish. So he must have made me exactly as he did make me. And there must be something good in me.
The other realisation was the passage in Psalm 139 in the Old Testament where the Psalmist talks about how God created us in the womb. Before our families came to love or hate us, before anyone tried to shape us and mould us, before even our mothers had the chance to love us, God saw us. I picture his presence in the womb with me as a tiny embryo, stoking my tiny forehead and saying, "Dorothy, I am creating you. You will be a lovely person though you might have a bit of trouble believing it for a time. But never forget that you are mine. And I love you because I made you and I love you because.....well, just because! I don't need a reason!"
So if God can love me like that, then how dare I hate myself so much? That was the start of growing into wholeness for me. It took years. In fact, the process will last as long as I do. But we have to start somewhere.
If you resonate with any of what I have just written, I would love to introduce you to the Enneagram. It is not the gospel. But it certainly can be used by God to introduce you to a wholeness that he dreams of us having.
"Science is finding out God's thoughts after him."
somebody once said. I feel like that about the Enneagram. It is a tool to find out more about the lovely person God had in mind when He created you. Give it a try. Come to see yourself and the one who created you in a whole new light.
The picture at the top of this post signifies the kind of Enneagram session you will have with me!
Yes, it's true. I am a very old person who can remember the Queen's coronation, post war rationing, horses pulling the baker's cart and the tarmac melting on hot summers' days. I am sixty!
I feel it can't be true. But my husband and lovely daughters put up banners, produced champagne, forced me to eat high calorie cake (with apologies to my Scottish Slimmers adviser!) and told me that it was indeed true and thought I might like to start acting my age for a wee change.
So I now have to anticipate all sorts of goodies. The bus pass. The pension book. The winter fuel allowance. So it's not all bad, then!
One of my cards said,
"With age comes wisdom........well, usually!"
Let's wait and see, shall we??!!
This story came to me from Iain Archibald of Business Matters. I wish I could attribute it to its original author but he/she is unknown (to me, at least). It is so good I want to share it with you all.
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programmes such as Football 5.0 and Cricket 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Desperate!
Dear Desperate
First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command:
C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember: overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.
Whatever you do, DO NOT instal Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstal another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have a limited memory and cannot run a new application quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 9.0.
Good Luck.
Tech Support
I love it! And I tell it because:
1. I have three sons-in-law, one of whom is coming to see me today,
2. I have a VERY important birthday with a zero on the end coming up very, very soon, and because,
3. I have a husband!
RSS Feed