It happened a wee whilie ago but it's only now that I have been given permission to tell the world! My daughter is pregnant!!! Ten years later than planned, my next two grandchildren are due to hit this world sometime in November. I was told the day before my 60th birthday that the pregnancy test was positive. But obviously it was very early days and I was told to hold the information to myself till the 12 week scan. The news both 'made' my birthday and 'ruined' it. (Well, let's face it, the thought of being 60 is enough to ruin any birthday!) Of course I was absolutely delighted (especially after the aforesaid ten years) but I might be described as a worrier by all who know me, and so I have done the said worrying ever since the announcement.
But you know what? I have decided to give up the worry. These babies are fine, looping the loop and looking very healthy and active. The doctor is pleased. Jane and Gareth are pleased (except when Jane is throwing up all over the place!) and so, just for a few weeks, I also am also going to be pleased. After that I might just allow myself to worry a very little!
Motherhood is hard. We long for our children to be happy and we think we know better than their Heavenly Father. After all, I am her mother. That must count for something. I would have had her pregnant years ago.
But the timing will be just right - whatever that might mean! Thank the Lord!
Now all I have to worry about is the babysitting!!! Any volunteers?
I feel really sad tonight! For years I have been really, really keen to link spirituality with the wisdom of the Enneagram and at last I had the courage to put a course in place. And it was happening this Saturday.
But only two people wanted to come!
So reluctantly I have had to cancel. Or rather, postpone. Because we have re-scheduled for August.
I remember when I went through the bad old depression years when nothing spiritual seemed to make any sense, I really wanted to understand why we all enjoyed different kinds of worship. And why I couldn't make sense of any of it!
The Enneagram helped me so much at that time and having pursued it as relentlessly as I have done, it has helped me to find answers. And the answer is that we are all so different that no one way of worship suits us all. Therefore, we can't all fit neatly into the presbyterian mode, nor do we all have Episcopalian hearts (boo hoo!), nor are we all at home with the happy-clappy Charismatics (why not??!!), nor even the wee frees or the brethern brothers.
But what a relief!
It would be great if we could all find what suits us best. And it would be equally great if we could all experience something right out of our comfort zone and find that even that just might be good too.
So I am sorry that the three of us won't be delving into the different ways we enjoy prayer. But the good news is that we WILL do it in August.
Want to join us then??????????
Saturday 23rd August: 10am - 4pm.
I was at the opening of the General Assembly. Not the place I am often seen, I admit, but what would I not do to support my friends, I ask you? And support them I did.
The truth is that the new Moderator of the General Assembly is none other than our very dear friend, Rev David Lunan. He also happens to be married to my very dear pal, Maggie, the equal of my good self in rebelliousness and non-conformity. So I just had to be there to see Maggie in her hat and support David in his hour of need!
David is one of the loveliest men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. It was typical of the man that his first speech which was addressed to the out-going moderator was to speak so compassionately of the death of her mother just last month.
He then went on to lead the business of the Assembly in such a quiet, competent and cheerful way, even consoling any unfortunate Rangers supporters, that we all felt that the Assembly was in good hands.
Those of you who know me will feel nothing but astonishment that I could actually enjoy spending time at anything so frustratingly dull and outmoded. And I agree with you. I also am astonished. But even rebels have to grow up some day and maybe I am 'coming of age'.
However, the best bit was the lunch in the Moderator's posh house with all Maggie's servants waiting upon us. And we got to have a nosy around in all the nooks and crannies and Maggie even had the Moderator's underwear out to dry in the bathroom. So that was a highlight!
But now we are back home, the more sombre reflections quite lost on me. Peter will return tomorrow - not because he is a commissioner. He's not. He's just mad! - coz he seems to like it. There's none sae queer as folk - ministerial folk at any rate!
’’In the 20th Century, we were defined by what we owned, in the 21st Century we will be defined by what share and give away.’ Charles Leadbeater, author of We Think
I think Charles Leadbeater is referring here to our ‘blogging ways’ in the 21st century. Why do we blog, I wonder? Why do we give away all our secrets to an invisible, perhaps non-existant, audience in the ether? That comment has made me wonder.
For me, it’s easy. If I am lonely of an evening, I love to read other peoples’ blogs as a way of making contact or being in union with another living being. It is an eye-opener to hear others’ views of their daily lives or hear them respond to the views of others.
I also confess to frequent disappointments that so many bloggers use so many words to say so little! The discipline of writing, in order to be in the same cyber space as other bloggers, would (I think!!!) be an invitation to closeness with others but - and this is my complaint - we seem to be saying nothing most of the same! And so Bill Gates’ wonderful 21st century medium is wasted with rubbish and nonsense which usually adds nothing to anyone’s life! Am I just a grumpy old woman?
So what can I share with you this evening that will be interesting, erudite and add a certain je ne sais quoi to the lives of all my million readers?
I could share that I ran out of washing powder today. Or that both my mother and one of my lovely sons-in-law celebrate a birthday tomorrow. Or that the temperature in sunny Anstruther was 20 today and yet only 13 in St Andrews, just over the hill. Or that my husband is spending yet another night away from home (this time at our daughter’s – or so he tells me!!!???!!!)
But instead, I think I will share with you a nice little piece of information. I need a haircut. I really, really do. Somehow since moving here in November I have had other priorities in my life and now my husband is complaining that there is too much going on in my head. No, that’s not possible. He surely must mean that there is too much growing ON my head! And I think he is right.
Now what is the origin of that expression. ‘More hair than wit’?
Was this a waste of good blogging space? Surely not!
Today I feel weary! There is a heavy weight balancing itself on my chest, what feels like a bag of coal or rocks pressing down on my forehead and my bones feel bendy and spongy. You don’t want to be me today.
So I am asking myself why I feel like this. It happens sometimes. It’s no big deal. But it always takes me by surprise and I wonder why I am such a wimp.
Then, reading my journal I came across the following quotation.
“Suffering in the desert of life can only be borne and survived by entering into the oasis of memories within; by waiting patiently in meditation and hope; gathering strength to go on; by living from that place of power.” (Sacred way of the desert by Marylyn Brown)
In reading my journal, I realised that I was entering into the ‘oasis of memories’. I was reading what I had written last month, last week, the day before yesterday, when the energy was up and the spirit was flowing! I can only dream of that happening today! But it was good to read from the oasis of memories.
Remember when you held a precious word or phrase from God and it brought a lightness to your spirit? Or the day you saw a flower, or a sunset and felt the touch of the Creator embracing you? Or maybe it was just a bubbling up of the spirit of God in your heart and you felt His limitless love drawing you to the horzons.
We all have this oasis of memories. Find one. Right now. And treasure it, relive it, hold it and bask in it. That memory is God’s gift to you now.
I remember the thrill of the prayers at the Church Without Walls event at Ingliston on Saturday. The tenderness of a Christening I attended on Sunday. A moment of stillness sitting in the garden yesterday while waiting for the family to arrive with all their noise and laughter. So much. Love. Contentment. Awakening. Rest.
Remembering all that, now I realise why I have no energy today. It has been a busy few days. And so I will follow the next part of the quotation. I will wait patiently, gather strength and go on living from the place of power.
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